Save Me!

The rain, the rain, the rain. I may go absolutely crazy if we get one more day of rain and since the weather channel is predicting 6 more days of it, sign me up for the nut house now.

I mean, why do we live here? I could move to Bermuda, Brent could teach there, the girls and I could live in shorts, we could live in a shack by the beach. Why do we live here? What makes it so hard for us to contemplate moving? I mean, there are other houses, other gardens we could plant, other friends to be made, grandparents can visit...geez, they'd probably love an excuse to go somewhere warm.

Today I went on strike, unfortunately without telling anyone, so the day turned into a whiny ("when are we having breakfast?") sort of a day. I am ashamed to admit I am still in my pyjamas. Mind you I didn't wear them to bed last night, but still the slovenliness of it all boggles my mind.

I also made the poor choice of flipping through a biography of Laura Ingalls Wilder during the long damp and mouldy stretch of a day and, close on the heels of reading "Plum Creek" to the girls, I am again astounded that Ma didn't smother them all in a fit of depression or during her own form of weather induced craziness. I mean , I have books, the Olympics (don't get me started on how late I am staying up for those), phones, movies and stores to go to (I sound lazy and self indulgent...other than the Olympics and books I have partaken of none of those things lately- poor me). What did Caroline Ingalls have in her that kept her going, out on the prairie with three small children, a dog, and a husband who, let's face it, kind of did whatever the he** he wanted to do including packing them all up countless times to trek across the country.

I want to be like Ma, but I'm afraid lately Roseanne (remember that stupid show?) is closer to reality...and I really don't like that.

If only the sun would come out...

Monday, Monday

Technically it's Monday, but it's only 5:00 in morning, so that shouldn't count. In fact, since I have been awake from 3:00, it still feels very much like Sunday night, which does not bode well for the day, no indeedy.

Brent has really gotten into the "I'm on summer vacation" groove, and is staying up until all hours. He's also super busy with computer work (other people's computers) and I worry about him working too much/too hard. Of course, then he'll not rise from bed until 9:00 and that just makes me cross too...I mean you could go to bed at a reasonable hour and then get up early to work. Or maybe we could just all cut back a little bit and then he wouldn't take on all these jobs. Except he would, so maybe we should benefit from it? I don't know.

I think I'll go clean (surprise!surprise!) my house before everyone gets up, and I'm going to do up my new and improved daily schedule. I really want to start in with our more rigid routine before September, I don't want it to all hit at once. I read someone's post about making a big deal about the 'first' day of school...and of course all the anxiety of what I may be 'depriving' the girls of came bubbling up. Blah. I think I need more regular sleep, just like the girls I function SO much better with proper sleep. If I don;t have some soon I can see myself spiralling into a really dark month...

A Little Piece Of Heaven

Or a little peace of Heaven...either way. We sat out under the stars, swinging on the porch swing, listening to the heavy breathing of our two sleeping girls. Happy Anniversary, I love you with all of my heart.

Mamma Mia

Brent and I went to see it, and despite the fear it would be beyond campy (which it so was), we really enjoyed it. Except now I have all the ABBA songs trapped in an endless loop in my head. Who needs an IPod?

I have to confess though that I may be the only person that has ever cried through most of "Mamma Mia". Who does that? I was just so caught up with watching this mother sing about her time with her daughter as a young girl being over, and with the whole pure loveliness of being young... I mean smooth skin, body parts up where they belong, being able to jump and move and sing without inhibition. I know, it's a completely idealized view of being twenty, but I was still nostalgic for something I probably never was. It was kind of a bittersweet thing, watching what I once was to some degree and watching where I am heading. Granted, Meryl Streep is my goal of aging beyond gracefully. I think she is amazingly beautiful and talented and boy, I hope I can be that in a few more years.

Anyway, once you get past the first few minutes of "What are we watching" is what thoroughly enjoyable...go see it! Bu be prepared to be humming "Waterloo" for a few days afterwards.

Yeah, What She Said...

I love Catherine, not in that way, but you know.

Speaking of which...yesterday I went to my friend's ultrasound and before I met up with her I went to the gift shop at the hospital. I decided I would get her a pink hat and a blue hat. You know the hats I'm talking about, right? Those newborn hats that, really, do they ever fit a baby's head? I did not think my children had freakishly large heads, despite the episiotomies (which is a post for another time and another place), but I could not get one of those hats to stay on either of them. They just would slide up, up, up their forehead and POP! Off they would come...the hats, of course, not the heads.

Anyway, I digress. As I took the hats up to the lady at the counter she commented on the two hats and I replied "We're going to find out the sex of the baby today", which, since I am not pregnant made it sound like it was 'our' baby. My friend and I. Who is another woman. And while at the risk of sounding like that Jerry Seinfeld episode (not that there's anything wrong with that), I had this driving need to clarify what I meant to the woman I didn't even know. I started backpedalling while at the same time having a "how do I explain this without sounding homophobic/narrow minded and snotty" conversation in my head, which I am sure made me look like I was having a seizure. She then (with a look of fear in her eyes) tried to talk me down by saying how many pregnancies there seems to be around lately (HELLO? I know that) and I replied that "Yes, a lot of my daughter's friends are pregnant"...MEANING that their friend's mothers are pregnant. The lady looked confused and said, "Oh is it your daughter's ultrasound today?" And I then ended the conversation by shooting her.

No, unless shooting invisible laser beams from my eyes counts. I just said "No, just a friend of mine" and left barely able to stop myself from shrieking "DO I LOOK THAT OLD?!?!". Of course, I then sat down, opened the newspaper I also bought and read about a 47 year old grandmother who was having a hard time covering her medical costs. That woman is only 6 years older than me. Indeed.

My Heart At Home Daybook...

Outside my window... is a warm, humid night.

I am thinking... that I am really excited to post this and put my name on another blog for the first time. Maybe I should have said I am thinking I am needy/nerdy?

I am thankful for... my girls being sound asleep.

From the kitchen... I have some leftover hash from my mom. Thanks, Mom!

I am wearing... capris because my legs need to be shaved.

I am creating... a Tivo list so I can cut down on television watching.

I am going... to go to bed soon...next time I'll do this Daybook in the daytime.

I am reading... "The Encouraging Parent"

I am hoping... that I have more patience and energy tomorrow.

I am hearing... the static of the baby monitor that I still use to hear the girls even though they are no longer babies (at least not according to everyone else besides me)

Around the house... are things to pick up after the company tonight.

One of my favorite things... are raspberries fresh from the garden and we got some tonight!

A few plans for the rest of the week: going to my friend's ultrasound (and wishing it was for my own), finishing swim and music classes for my deprived, unsocialized, home schooled children (yes, I am being sarcastic), and preparing for family to visit.

Eating

Another successful dinner party (actually a potluck). A relatively small house with 40 people invited is seemingly a recipe for disaster, but once again everyone fit in, laughed, brought and ate AMAZING food and all I had to do was provide the space and tidy up a bit before and after...which is a very good thing.

It was an odd day. For the first time in my memory since having children, we had a day without them. Daughter One wanted Nanny to drive her to her full day music camp and Daughter Two wanted to go with Nanny and spend the day with her. Nanny agreed! It was a great opportunity to tidy the house, but very weird. The strangest part was when I would clean up a room, it stayed clean! Imagine, no one behind me taking it all apart.

They are both sound asleep now, seconds after going to bed with sticky popsicle mouths (I forgot to wash faces- how bad a mother am I?) they were asleep. I do love those lovely girls.

To Everything There Is A Season

We went on a weekend camping trip to visit my relatives and just arrived home an hour or so ago. The girls had a great time playing with their only cousins and took over the campground, jumping in the river, running though the woods, all the things you would want your children to do and keep memories of. I often think that...these times with these small people seem so intense, how could they not remember all these adventures, the tastes, smells, feelings? But, of course, I have few memories of my time when I was that young, so chances are good we will all be saying in s few years "weren't we here before? Was that six or seven years ago? Was that the time you saw a fox?" and so on. Insert melancholy sigh here, because we wouldn't want it to be a happy little post about a beautiful flower or a ripe garden or forever young and innocent children.

It did grieve me to see my uncle growing so old. Here are my children visiting my uncles and aunts the exact places I did so many years ago, and until this weekend I so appreciated how their childhood was, in some ways, some very good ways, mimicking my own. But, of course, it is many years later and these same parents of my cousins whom I thought of as old 'way back then' when they were not much older than I am now, are indeed old and growing closer to the end of their visit here on earth. I could always make myself feel even worse by remembering that we never who or when someone will be lost, and I say that in the most sarcastic of ways, but, if all goes as it 'should' my children will be losing people they love on a fairly regular basis on their trip through childhood. I have very few options to offer them...I am a child of a youngest (by far) daughter, Brent is the youngest (by far) in his family. The cousins the girls are growing up with are actually third, fourth, maybe fifth or 'removed' (what does that mean?) and the aunts and uncles are either their great aunts and uncles or are really old enough to be (in some circles) their grandparents.

And here I am wanting another baby to live among the wrinklies of our family...parents included, to judge by the mirror some days. I draw a lot of comfort from Antique Mommy.

Anyway, it really was, overall, a wonderful, tiring trip. The girls barely made it into their beds tonight before falling asleep, the nighttime prayers were all ones of thanksgiving for the weekend of joys and family. God is so good, he's so good to me.

Summer Daze

I do this to myself every time. The kids seem able to stay up, so we stay up late and then the next day we pay and pay and pay... it was worth it though to see an outdoor performance of "A Midsummer Night's Dream". The girls wore their wings and we had a great time under the moon watching Puck's antics.

Off to the beach for our daily swim lessons. The house is falling down around our ears with all of this going out every day and the girls are not on any sort of a regular schedule. I plan on getting on top of it during rest/nap time...or maybe I'll read a new book on the porch swing. Hmmm.

I love summer.

Baby Blues

Brent and I keep going around in circles about the whole 'should we try for another baby?' thing. We have two beautiful girls, conceived with little/no difficulty or waiting and then we hit the road blocks. A cancer diagnosis, three miscarriages later, and we find ourselves at forty with one child less than 'the plan'.

I mean, even writing the above sentences makes me roll my eyes...if I was objective about this and reading another blog, I would tell the writer to give her head a shake. "Be thankful for all that you have, plans don't always work out, there is a reason, blah, blah, blah". I do know all this, but I am not objective and I do so want one more baby in the house.

Of course, when I get this in my head the world conspires to show me possibilities, like the forty-two year old at church who has been trying for three years and walked in today five months pregnant, and my friend with only half an ovary after ovarian cancer who is now pregnant with her second miracle child. I mean, anything is possible, right?

Right?

Saturday

Went to see Hancock, Will Smith's new movie...one word review- meh. Not the worst, definitely not the best.

Today we got the kids' playhouse finished, as far as painting. It's irritating that they have had a hard time finding 'something to do' in the last few 'slow' days, when I could list off a selection of things as long as my arm. Is is that age old parent/child thing? Or have we given them too much scheduled 'stuff' that they really have temporarily lost the ability to entertain themselves? I am always spouting off about choices- you pick one colour of paint for your walls, you can't paint with another at the same time, you pick one car to buy, so that eliminates the other. So does that also mean I can't have children who take different classes who can also entertain themselves? Is it an either/or question? Along those same lines, do you have to have a childhood with nothing provided for you in order to appreciate the small things in life? I wonder about that when I see the shelves of books we have, or the playhouse in the yard that I yearned for and my own children take as a due course. I mean, they like it and even appreciate it, but never having been without it in their memory maybe makes it less valuable.

We've been reading old Raggedy Anne books, which I love and so does Mary, Laura is still attached to only picture books, and kind of floats around us when we're reading them. The books are not well written and have a very quaint (possibly not politically correct)air to them, but I'm finding that it is part of the charm. It reminds me of when I was very young before I realized that everyone wasn't exactly the same and that there were troubles and worries galore.

I am desperate for something to read and I need to go out alone for a bit to the bookstore and find something. I am addicted to Amazon, but nothing beats going through row upon row of actual books looking for a new read. Any suggestions?

May There Always Be Lemonade

Daughter One decided to have a lemonade stand yesterday, easily the HOTTEST day we have had in a long time. I think the temperature was high 90s. Against my urge to say 'no' and with my new policy to say 'yes' as often as I reasonably can, we geared up, went to the store, bought cheap frozen canned lemonade, came home and mixed it up. Then, of course, was the sign, the table set up, umbrella, etc. and it happily became a family affair. Even the sibling 'stuff' I've seen lately dissipated as little sister became the big helper. How wonderful for my heart was it to see them sitting side by side out at the end of the driveway and watching the little one 'run errands' for books and snacks to occupy them for the two hours.

Excuse me? Yes, TWO hours she sat out there in the baking sun. Daughter Two came and went, but Daughter One sat there the whole two hours. That kid has persistence. Did I mention we live on a dead end street where only 6 people bought the lemonade? It killed me to see her out there waiting and hoping for a big lineup of people to want to buy a glass of sugared pink water. Of course, the people we phoned that came and bought more than satisfied her, but I think I would have sold the house to have that big line up appear for her.

The best part of all this though is why she did it...this was ALL for the Red Cross. She decided right off the bat that this was going to raise money for something and after some local evacuations for forest fires, the Red Cross would be the best place to help. I am a very proud Mama.

Today we were sitting in Daughter Twos music class (I know, class in July for the homeschoolers...irony much?) and I realized this was the same classroom that I had brought Daughter One as a 3 month old for her Mommy and Me music. It was just the two of us (surrounded by other more competent moms and less beautiful babies) and she was my whole world. We sang and cuddled, and the goodbye song each week was about always having sunshine, always having blue sky, always having Mommy, always having me. Every week I would tear up at this song, knowing that it would be a while before she realized, but someday she would know that there wouldn't always be us. Time passes, and nothing stays the same.

I thought all of these things as I sat in the room watching this big girl of five twirl around with her sister and looked around for that little baby and the mother that wanted to freeze time.

And still does...

Sunday, Sunday

I am so glad that we belong to a church 'family' of sorts. I am glad there are people not related to me but still care what is happening to the girls, to me, to my husband.

Why must the girls screech at each other? I am struggling lately with how the younger ones treats the older one, she is SO bossy and it brings out this fabulous whiny side in my older one (not so much fabulous for those of you non-existent readers that thought I was serious).

My house is a mess. I went on 'vacation', came home and didn't immediately resume my cleaning schedule and now, two days later, I am sitting in chaos. TWO DAYS! HOW is this possible that I am so responsible for EVERYTHING that two days is enough to send it all into a place that makes my house look like it was robbed without any of the actual 'stuff' taken? Blah.

So now I am off to do a big clean and also purge because the lovely people a the local some illness charity will come and take anything you want to give them and there will be lots going on Wednesday when they pull up that great big truck they use. I love the feeling that comes from cleaning out the house, not just cleaning up. It also horrifies me that anyone would have so much that there is lots to give away that will not even be missed. I mean, there are people in the world who could hold all that they own in their hands. Something is very wrong with that.

Moving On

So I was going to write about the lovely two night trip the girls and I took with their Nanny (my mom), and all of the wonderful time we spent together, but that would be too lovely and so far despite my best intentions to have this blog be light and happy like I want our homeschooling days to be, it isn't turning out that way.

I so desperately want to have one last baby and this last month was the LAST month for trying and it didn't work. Two healthy pregnancies, thyroid cancer, a partial molar (yuck) and two other miscarriages and here we are. It was going too easily there at first with the babies...two months of 'trying' and then two lines on a stick- voila! Then the delay with illness and more delay with the molar, and then it seemed like the expiration date was up. I am so sad that this is it and really, what right do I have to complain? Thank God we have the two perfect (in my eyes) girls that we have. They are friends, close enough in age to share so much, healthy, happy, smart, funny, brave, and beautiful. I should be satisfied and usually I am.

But I just wanted one last baby.

I wish there were clear, almost literal, signs to guide us. Ones that we couldn't overlook,,,even as I write this though, I have to roll my eyes at myself- the grocery list of 'stuff' above it pretty clear, no? Or is it our responsibility to trust and keep going? When is enough, enough? I'm just looking for one more reason to try again.

Late Nights

So, here I am at 1:00 in the morning having just finished washing my kitchen floors, and since I have to wait for them to dry before I can go across to go up to bed, I thought I'd write down a few thoughts from the day.

The late night mopping is fueled by Pepsi. I drink so little caffeine that it only takes a glass to get me going for a few hours. I've was hoping to avoid this late though...I've been up late a few nights in a row. For some reason I've hit a low patch in the road, although I'm not sure of exactly why...birthdays have been marked and I really don't like anything that marks time so clearly, a friend of a friend of friends has been diagnosed and has passed away (the scariness of the speed in which that happened is enough to account for this mood all by itself, and I didn't even know the woman).

So I figured I would put the late night to work for me and clean the house and watch the Bachelorette...I know, pathetic, huh? But I so do love my 'reality' shows. I'm so glad she chose Jason, by the way, dads are the best. Thank you, Deanna, for letting me zone out on your life for and hour or two.

Well, the floor is dry, I'm off to bed.

Money Talks

Today the girls and I went and used up the $60.00 gift certificate I won three hundred and sixty four days ago...it was going to expire tomorrow. I decided I would use said certificate for my mother's birthday, which is also tomorrow. The certificate was for flowers...that I am presently growing piles of in my garden. Let me tell you, I would sooner eat dirt than spend a real $60.00 on cut flowers, and I must say, the ones from my garden are at least just as nice, if not more so. Anyway, they are presently on my counter awaiting transport to the church where they will limply decorate the sanctuary until mom brings them home after the service tomorrow.

Brent and I, right in the middle of this posting, had an argument. I've just spent five hours with the girls twittering around me (unlike their mother, they love to shop and look around stores and since the flower shop was in the middle of downtown we got to see everything) and once we got home and it was decided that naps were out of the question this late in the day, I told them to go outside and play (read: leave me be)while Brent was mowing the grass. Seconds after they go out and all is quiet, Brent is in to ask what we did. Um, hello? There are two little people outside perfectly able to tell you what we did and probably in a much more enthusiastic way. Sheesh. For the sake of wanting to go out ourselves tonight (woohoo!), I just want a few minutes of no talking.

A Fine Balance

School is over!! I read a hilarious tongue firmly in cheek post that I forgot to save and link here, but essentially the author was wondering if we could trust parents to do anything with their children over the next two months of (gasp) no school and no 'expert' teaching them.

I arrived home after my last day of (very part time) teaching and there was daughter #1 greeting me with a "Happy Last Day of School" card that she made, which was when I happily informed her that "Maybe for everyone else it's over, but we have fun all the time so we'll be learning all the time. Our school does not end!" She was quite pleased by that and also pleased that I declared her card even more important than the twenty offerings from my 'other' five year olds that I had just brought home with me.

The sun makes such a difference, everything feels easier, more relaxed. I watch my little mothers washing and hanging their baby doll clothes up outside, prepare a nutritious breakfast and lunch to eat on the deck, have a fast game of math 'Go Fish' with Mary while Laura sleeps away the afternoon in a breeze filled room, read mountains of books on the porch swing, and I just breathe a big sigh of love, gratefulness, and accomplishment. What a great day, what a great time of year.

Not that I'm not trying my best to ruin this easy enjoyment of our newfound outdoors. Brent was hardly through the door today from his last day of school (Oh, didn't I mention that we are both public school teachers homeschooling our children? Hmmm.)and I'm like a lunatic waving the calendar declaring we must decide every trip we are taking this summer, and I want at least two camping trips so as not to waste the trailer (What does that mean? Do I think it's going to rot in the driveway for lack of use? That the waste police will take it from us?) and two trips to the beach where the girls love to run on the sand, and don't forget the total of 3 weeks of classes and camps I already have them signed up for. Plus I'm frantically emailing homeschooling friends to set up day trips during the summer months so as not to lose touch...MUST NOT lose touch with the homeschooling friends.

As always it's the balance I am struggling with. Time at home with time out 'adventuring', time with family, time with Brent, time with friends, formal learning, life lessons. Here's hoping to finding a solution...right now I am reminding myself (seemingly constantly) to enjoy the moment. But isn't that an HUGE contradiction? How can I be in the moment, if I have to remind myself to be in the moment? I'll get back to you on that.

I thought I'd post a picture (for my non-existent readers). I just love the five year old casual grace of my oldest, the concentrating sturdiness of my four (just turned!) year old. Actually the oldest was probably standing like that to prevent herself from peeing...we do like to hold it until the very.Last.Second. What fun is it unless you have to go screaming through the house to get to the bathroom?

Summer Days

SO the backyard is almost where I want it to be...swings are up (except for the two -for visitors- wah- baby swings that are laying on the ground), grass is mowed, wicker swing is up and properly cushioned (with my Grandmother's quilt! I need to get a cheap/not heirloom one replacement). All that is left is to get the fenced in garden properly weeded and sorted out, the playhouse painted and the two other wicker pieces for the lower deck.

I'm feeling very spoiled and privileged lately. We have come to a place where, as long as it's within some reason, we can buy what we'd like for our house or ourselves. I mean, not necessarily the fancy schmancy sports car and not a pony for the girls, but you know what I mean (I don't want a pony for the girls BTW, although I wouldn't hate this for tooling around town). "Let's go pick up that swing" is not something we would have said even a couple of years ago, it would have required long thinking and ultimately the choice would have to be made for that or, say, food. I so appreciate Brent's hard work at his 'regular' job and all the extra job and bartering that he does to help create this life.

Beautiful summer day today. I'm struggling with the desire to continue our (very relaxed) schooling or just forgo it altogether until September. It stresses me (a little) to have Bev phone and talk about "One more thing and we're done the math curriculum for the year", when I know math for me this year has consisted of doing (some of) the state Math guide, (some) workbook pages, and (some) games. Did you catch the subtle similarity? SOME...it really was hit or miss this year with so much. Daughter #1 would come up with some wonderful way of showing me she was learning(I know, I try to prevent it, but it keeps happening anyway) and I would happily file that away as PROOF and conveniently not get around to doing the actual work.

The biggest irony, considering how 'holistic' I make my own classroom in my (minimal) part time position, is that my PROOF is often in workbook form, which I never do in my class. I used to think, in my lofty philosophical way, that workbooks were unlike 'real' life and the children in my class would learn by doing. Now I'm homeschooling and we're surrounded by 'real' life and I drag out a workbook page to get daughter #1 to show me she is learning! Mind you, I have also discovered that she can do a workbook page in five minutes, doing one in a classroom takes sixty minutes and constant "What do I do know?" from the three students who are capable of working alone.

Time to get oldest daughter up from her nap- yes, five years old and still napping! I love it!

Judging

Today was a day with our homeschooling and not so much homeschooling friends.

Six or so years ago we all started so much in the same place and yet, when I look at the group, we have all taken such divergent paths. Two families have chosen private school, one is a 'school at home' everyday mom, we have two 'new' members, one who has a genuinely gifted child and one that I can't quite get a handle on yet. So many styles of parenting and teaching/learning. One is all for letting 'children be children', another seems afraid that they won't be friends if she's 'mean', one is 'all is perfect and we are perfect Christians'. I get so frustrated by the slack discipline, and then the too strict discipline, the big hurrahs for memorized Bible verses, the unwillingness to go outside more than once a week because someone has a head cold. Go outside, live the bible/God's words and intentions...how horrible am I? These women are my friends.

I was just talking to another mom last night and she was commenting on how judgemental mothers/women are of one another. I think it is about how we are all doing the best we can with what we have/know/understand, but because there doesn't seem to be a right way, when we see something different than what we are doing, the only option is to embrace and change, or condemn in order to justify your own choices. I feel like I am just starting to get to a point where I feel really comfortable with our choice to home school. The girls are confident, happy girls, polite, smart and nice to be around.

I have to work on that, though...I think MY way is the BEST way...come, follow me! But then I read another book/talk to someone else and think THIS way is the best way. I really have to become more accepting of the way other people choose to 'do' this parenting/schooling thing. My way (at least for this moment) is the is best way for US, right now, doesn't mean that won't change by tonight.

Mind you, last night when I saw a work full time (completely by choice- don't flame me on this, I KNOW that many do not have a choice and I am indeed blessed) mother looking like she was hating spending time with her children and "had work to get done at home" at a small group event meant to relax all the moms and dads there as their children played happily in a big, safe, yard, I just knew this path we have chosen is the right one.

Thank you, God for guiding my footsteps to bring us to this place.

Birthday

I can't believe the baby is four! What a lovely weekend of friends and food. My bella baby running around with her arms out wide loving that everyone was singing to her and not her big sister.

Happy birthday, my bella baby, I love you more than you will ever know.

Succefssully demonstrated

RAIN!! Please, for the love of all that is holy let it get sunny, especially in time for the baby's 4th birthday on Saturday.

I feel like it's January...I'm feeling like a cold is coming on, it's too cold to go out, and we've been inside all day. Add to that the 20 report cards I had to do (useless, useless things) and it was an all 'round blah day. I did, however, finish the report cards, so that's a very good thing. I am very tired of the phrase "successfully demonstrated". I am so glad that we are homeschooling, so very glad. How awful is it that I MUST assign a grade to 6 year olds on each subject area. I mean, come on, am I really going to give a child a 'C' for Art?

I was up lots last night, I am (and I ask for forgiveness for it) worried that I have something going on gall bladder wise. Then I go online to self-diagnose myself and I convince myself it really, really serious. Then today I go to another site (do you see how I will do anything to avoid report cards?) to do a depression test, because maybe it's panic attacks causing the pain and I test out as severely depressed, not even middle of the road depressed, but severely. Oy vey. I think it was the rain.

The girls spent their days in pjs and dress up clothes. I look at sites like Anna's and I so want to be like her, and then a day like this happens. Blah.

But report cards are done.

Hello, my name is James and I am addicted to books...

So the latest Amazon offering has arrived...it's almost getting to the point where I will have to become one of those women who squirrel shoe boxes away in the back of their closet to prevent their husbands from finding out about their shopping. Unfortunately, I have lost the key to the mailbox and now the only key resides in Brent's car, and therefore he is the one to pick up the mail. So there is no hiding the fact that I have, yet again, spent some of his hard earned money on books. In fact, this book, this book, and yes, this book.

Anyhoo, I have to work tomorrow (to help fund my online book shopping habit)...a whole day away from children, what will I do with myself? Not only that, a whole day with teachers discussing educational philosophies! Which will go swimmingly until they ask where my children go to school...then you'll hear the crickets chirp, let me tell you.

To everything there is a season

There have been a few car accidents around here, ones that people have died in.

It's frightening how quickly things change in our lives- two lines on a stick you pee on, a lump felt under the skin that you've never felt before, a car hitting your car from behind and you don't even see it coming, the first contraction, a ring pulled out of a pocket, a phone call in the middle of the night. How wonderful and scary is the world that all of these things are happening right now as I type to people around me that I don't even know...God be with me, my husband, and my children as we move through life, give us peace with the blindsides.

Mary and Laura were playing with their Disney dolls in the 'playroom' (if you can call a closet a playroom) and I hear "Mommy, Laura won't let me have Ariel's nipple cover!" referring to her bathing suit top... can't say we use any silly euphemisms in our house...too bad the conservative neighbour from down the street was sitting in the living room at that point.

Where's Samantha when you need her?

So tonight we went to see "S#x and the City", which I watched every week that it was on television. It was great to see these beautiful women who looked (more or less) their age. I mean, they weren't old women trying to act like they were teenagers, or (thank goodness) dress like them.

One thing that stuck out was Charlotte talking about waiting for her 'bad thing' to happen. I really got that; I mean, I don't go around waiting for lightning to strike, but I still have that voice in the back of my head that says "That pain, I thnk that's cancer." I really have to break that, so yet again I am committing to losing the weight, and taking better care of myself, for ME, not just for the kids, or Brent, but for me. Plus, after tonight, I want to dress better too...I'm still not getting the whole tutu thing that Carrie has going on, or for that matter most of her outfits, but a little dressier/grown up may be a good thing.

My friend and I went garden touring this afternoon (and also talked about all the subject areas above...I really need more Samantha in my life and a whole lot less Miranda). What a lot of work people have put into their gardens, but I must say ours is coming along...give me a few more years and a yardboy and I'll have our garden on the tour.

Deflated

I hate (oh, I mean dislike because we "don't say hate in our house") that I was in such a good space this morning when the children were gone and now that they are home again I'm a screaming, pouting witch. Pleasant picture, no? What does that say about me that I am a better mother/person when I am not with the children???

It just drives me crazy that in this grand gesture of 'helping', Brent takes the girls out to give me some time to myself. Of course, I immediately translate that into "time to clean the house". Four hours (yes, four whole hours to clean, re-organize, and purge and I am STILL not finished) everyone arrives home with sneakers on the just mopped floor going on about ALL the fun they had and "Where's all my stuff?", "I don't like the room arranged like this!", and my all time favourite from dearest husband "You made the choice to stay home, we thought you were going to relax, there is always time to do this (making a sweeping gesture at the 5th load of laundry, the vacuum and the mop), you should have relaxed or come with us".

And I guess on some level he has a point, it (the housework- the ENDLESS bane of my existence) isn't going anywhere, but I want to get on top of it, or at least see the top of it, so I can go and enjoy other things. I am (obviously) behind on stuff and I want to (yet again) make a bigger effort at maintaining a reasonable level of cleanliness by not procrastinating, and the only way I see to do that is to do a HUGE clean-up and then proceed from there. Truly though, when did I become the keeper, cleaner, and manager of EVERYTHING?

I think (at least today anyway) I want to go back to work full time and then I won't have the time to even care about all of this and everyone will have no choice but to pitch in or it will all, literally, fall apart. Full time work means more money, not being 24 hours a day responsible for the care, education, health and well-being of the two girls, the house will stay neater because we're not in it and I get to talk to other grown up people about SOMETHING other than homeschooling and housework. Sounds kind of appealing to me right now.

There, I do feel better having got that off my chest. Not the first blog entry I wanted to have, but there you go.