Money Talks

Today the girls and I went and used up the $60.00 gift certificate I won three hundred and sixty four days ago...it was going to expire tomorrow. I decided I would use said certificate for my mother's birthday, which is also tomorrow. The certificate was for flowers...that I am presently growing piles of in my garden. Let me tell you, I would sooner eat dirt than spend a real $60.00 on cut flowers, and I must say, the ones from my garden are at least just as nice, if not more so. Anyway, they are presently on my counter awaiting transport to the church where they will limply decorate the sanctuary until mom brings them home after the service tomorrow.

Brent and I, right in the middle of this posting, had an argument. I've just spent five hours with the girls twittering around me (unlike their mother, they love to shop and look around stores and since the flower shop was in the middle of downtown we got to see everything) and once we got home and it was decided that naps were out of the question this late in the day, I told them to go outside and play (read: leave me be)while Brent was mowing the grass. Seconds after they go out and all is quiet, Brent is in to ask what we did. Um, hello? There are two little people outside perfectly able to tell you what we did and probably in a much more enthusiastic way. Sheesh. For the sake of wanting to go out ourselves tonight (woohoo!), I just want a few minutes of no talking.

A Fine Balance

School is over!! I read a hilarious tongue firmly in cheek post that I forgot to save and link here, but essentially the author was wondering if we could trust parents to do anything with their children over the next two months of (gasp) no school and no 'expert' teaching them.

I arrived home after my last day of (very part time) teaching and there was daughter #1 greeting me with a "Happy Last Day of School" card that she made, which was when I happily informed her that "Maybe for everyone else it's over, but we have fun all the time so we'll be learning all the time. Our school does not end!" She was quite pleased by that and also pleased that I declared her card even more important than the twenty offerings from my 'other' five year olds that I had just brought home with me.

The sun makes such a difference, everything feels easier, more relaxed. I watch my little mothers washing and hanging their baby doll clothes up outside, prepare a nutritious breakfast and lunch to eat on the deck, have a fast game of math 'Go Fish' with Mary while Laura sleeps away the afternoon in a breeze filled room, read mountains of books on the porch swing, and I just breathe a big sigh of love, gratefulness, and accomplishment. What a great day, what a great time of year.

Not that I'm not trying my best to ruin this easy enjoyment of our newfound outdoors. Brent was hardly through the door today from his last day of school (Oh, didn't I mention that we are both public school teachers homeschooling our children? Hmmm.)and I'm like a lunatic waving the calendar declaring we must decide every trip we are taking this summer, and I want at least two camping trips so as not to waste the trailer (What does that mean? Do I think it's going to rot in the driveway for lack of use? That the waste police will take it from us?) and two trips to the beach where the girls love to run on the sand, and don't forget the total of 3 weeks of classes and camps I already have them signed up for. Plus I'm frantically emailing homeschooling friends to set up day trips during the summer months so as not to lose touch...MUST NOT lose touch with the homeschooling friends.

As always it's the balance I am struggling with. Time at home with time out 'adventuring', time with family, time with Brent, time with friends, formal learning, life lessons. Here's hoping to finding a solution...right now I am reminding myself (seemingly constantly) to enjoy the moment. But isn't that an HUGE contradiction? How can I be in the moment, if I have to remind myself to be in the moment? I'll get back to you on that.

I thought I'd post a picture (for my non-existent readers). I just love the five year old casual grace of my oldest, the concentrating sturdiness of my four (just turned!) year old. Actually the oldest was probably standing like that to prevent herself from peeing...we do like to hold it until the very.Last.Second. What fun is it unless you have to go screaming through the house to get to the bathroom?

Summer Days

SO the backyard is almost where I want it to be...swings are up (except for the two -for visitors- wah- baby swings that are laying on the ground), grass is mowed, wicker swing is up and properly cushioned (with my Grandmother's quilt! I need to get a cheap/not heirloom one replacement). All that is left is to get the fenced in garden properly weeded and sorted out, the playhouse painted and the two other wicker pieces for the lower deck.

I'm feeling very spoiled and privileged lately. We have come to a place where, as long as it's within some reason, we can buy what we'd like for our house or ourselves. I mean, not necessarily the fancy schmancy sports car and not a pony for the girls, but you know what I mean (I don't want a pony for the girls BTW, although I wouldn't hate this for tooling around town). "Let's go pick up that swing" is not something we would have said even a couple of years ago, it would have required long thinking and ultimately the choice would have to be made for that or, say, food. I so appreciate Brent's hard work at his 'regular' job and all the extra job and bartering that he does to help create this life.

Beautiful summer day today. I'm struggling with the desire to continue our (very relaxed) schooling or just forgo it altogether until September. It stresses me (a little) to have Bev phone and talk about "One more thing and we're done the math curriculum for the year", when I know math for me this year has consisted of doing (some of) the state Math guide, (some) workbook pages, and (some) games. Did you catch the subtle similarity? SOME...it really was hit or miss this year with so much. Daughter #1 would come up with some wonderful way of showing me she was learning(I know, I try to prevent it, but it keeps happening anyway) and I would happily file that away as PROOF and conveniently not get around to doing the actual work.

The biggest irony, considering how 'holistic' I make my own classroom in my (minimal) part time position, is that my PROOF is often in workbook form, which I never do in my class. I used to think, in my lofty philosophical way, that workbooks were unlike 'real' life and the children in my class would learn by doing. Now I'm homeschooling and we're surrounded by 'real' life and I drag out a workbook page to get daughter #1 to show me she is learning! Mind you, I have also discovered that she can do a workbook page in five minutes, doing one in a classroom takes sixty minutes and constant "What do I do know?" from the three students who are capable of working alone.

Time to get oldest daughter up from her nap- yes, five years old and still napping! I love it!

Judging

Today was a day with our homeschooling and not so much homeschooling friends.

Six or so years ago we all started so much in the same place and yet, when I look at the group, we have all taken such divergent paths. Two families have chosen private school, one is a 'school at home' everyday mom, we have two 'new' members, one who has a genuinely gifted child and one that I can't quite get a handle on yet. So many styles of parenting and teaching/learning. One is all for letting 'children be children', another seems afraid that they won't be friends if she's 'mean', one is 'all is perfect and we are perfect Christians'. I get so frustrated by the slack discipline, and then the too strict discipline, the big hurrahs for memorized Bible verses, the unwillingness to go outside more than once a week because someone has a head cold. Go outside, live the bible/God's words and intentions...how horrible am I? These women are my friends.

I was just talking to another mom last night and she was commenting on how judgemental mothers/women are of one another. I think it is about how we are all doing the best we can with what we have/know/understand, but because there doesn't seem to be a right way, when we see something different than what we are doing, the only option is to embrace and change, or condemn in order to justify your own choices. I feel like I am just starting to get to a point where I feel really comfortable with our choice to home school. The girls are confident, happy girls, polite, smart and nice to be around.

I have to work on that, though...I think MY way is the BEST way...come, follow me! But then I read another book/talk to someone else and think THIS way is the best way. I really have to become more accepting of the way other people choose to 'do' this parenting/schooling thing. My way (at least for this moment) is the is best way for US, right now, doesn't mean that won't change by tonight.

Mind you, last night when I saw a work full time (completely by choice- don't flame me on this, I KNOW that many do not have a choice and I am indeed blessed) mother looking like she was hating spending time with her children and "had work to get done at home" at a small group event meant to relax all the moms and dads there as their children played happily in a big, safe, yard, I just knew this path we have chosen is the right one.

Thank you, God for guiding my footsteps to bring us to this place.

Birthday

I can't believe the baby is four! What a lovely weekend of friends and food. My bella baby running around with her arms out wide loving that everyone was singing to her and not her big sister.

Happy birthday, my bella baby, I love you more than you will ever know.

Succefssully demonstrated

RAIN!! Please, for the love of all that is holy let it get sunny, especially in time for the baby's 4th birthday on Saturday.

I feel like it's January...I'm feeling like a cold is coming on, it's too cold to go out, and we've been inside all day. Add to that the 20 report cards I had to do (useless, useless things) and it was an all 'round blah day. I did, however, finish the report cards, so that's a very good thing. I am very tired of the phrase "successfully demonstrated". I am so glad that we are homeschooling, so very glad. How awful is it that I MUST assign a grade to 6 year olds on each subject area. I mean, come on, am I really going to give a child a 'C' for Art?

I was up lots last night, I am (and I ask for forgiveness for it) worried that I have something going on gall bladder wise. Then I go online to self-diagnose myself and I convince myself it really, really serious. Then today I go to another site (do you see how I will do anything to avoid report cards?) to do a depression test, because maybe it's panic attacks causing the pain and I test out as severely depressed, not even middle of the road depressed, but severely. Oy vey. I think it was the rain.

The girls spent their days in pjs and dress up clothes. I look at sites like Anna's and I so want to be like her, and then a day like this happens. Blah.

But report cards are done.

Hello, my name is James and I am addicted to books...

So the latest Amazon offering has arrived...it's almost getting to the point where I will have to become one of those women who squirrel shoe boxes away in the back of their closet to prevent their husbands from finding out about their shopping. Unfortunately, I have lost the key to the mailbox and now the only key resides in Brent's car, and therefore he is the one to pick up the mail. So there is no hiding the fact that I have, yet again, spent some of his hard earned money on books. In fact, this book, this book, and yes, this book.

Anyhoo, I have to work tomorrow (to help fund my online book shopping habit)...a whole day away from children, what will I do with myself? Not only that, a whole day with teachers discussing educational philosophies! Which will go swimmingly until they ask where my children go to school...then you'll hear the crickets chirp, let me tell you.

To everything there is a season

There have been a few car accidents around here, ones that people have died in.

It's frightening how quickly things change in our lives- two lines on a stick you pee on, a lump felt under the skin that you've never felt before, a car hitting your car from behind and you don't even see it coming, the first contraction, a ring pulled out of a pocket, a phone call in the middle of the night. How wonderful and scary is the world that all of these things are happening right now as I type to people around me that I don't even know...God be with me, my husband, and my children as we move through life, give us peace with the blindsides.

Mary and Laura were playing with their Disney dolls in the 'playroom' (if you can call a closet a playroom) and I hear "Mommy, Laura won't let me have Ariel's nipple cover!" referring to her bathing suit top... can't say we use any silly euphemisms in our house...too bad the conservative neighbour from down the street was sitting in the living room at that point.

Where's Samantha when you need her?

So tonight we went to see "S#x and the City", which I watched every week that it was on television. It was great to see these beautiful women who looked (more or less) their age. I mean, they weren't old women trying to act like they were teenagers, or (thank goodness) dress like them.

One thing that stuck out was Charlotte talking about waiting for her 'bad thing' to happen. I really got that; I mean, I don't go around waiting for lightning to strike, but I still have that voice in the back of my head that says "That pain, I thnk that's cancer." I really have to break that, so yet again I am committing to losing the weight, and taking better care of myself, for ME, not just for the kids, or Brent, but for me. Plus, after tonight, I want to dress better too...I'm still not getting the whole tutu thing that Carrie has going on, or for that matter most of her outfits, but a little dressier/grown up may be a good thing.

My friend and I went garden touring this afternoon (and also talked about all the subject areas above...I really need more Samantha in my life and a whole lot less Miranda). What a lot of work people have put into their gardens, but I must say ours is coming along...give me a few more years and a yardboy and I'll have our garden on the tour.

Deflated

I hate (oh, I mean dislike because we "don't say hate in our house") that I was in such a good space this morning when the children were gone and now that they are home again I'm a screaming, pouting witch. Pleasant picture, no? What does that say about me that I am a better mother/person when I am not with the children???

It just drives me crazy that in this grand gesture of 'helping', Brent takes the girls out to give me some time to myself. Of course, I immediately translate that into "time to clean the house". Four hours (yes, four whole hours to clean, re-organize, and purge and I am STILL not finished) everyone arrives home with sneakers on the just mopped floor going on about ALL the fun they had and "Where's all my stuff?", "I don't like the room arranged like this!", and my all time favourite from dearest husband "You made the choice to stay home, we thought you were going to relax, there is always time to do this (making a sweeping gesture at the 5th load of laundry, the vacuum and the mop), you should have relaxed or come with us".

And I guess on some level he has a point, it (the housework- the ENDLESS bane of my existence) isn't going anywhere, but I want to get on top of it, or at least see the top of it, so I can go and enjoy other things. I am (obviously) behind on stuff and I want to (yet again) make a bigger effort at maintaining a reasonable level of cleanliness by not procrastinating, and the only way I see to do that is to do a HUGE clean-up and then proceed from there. Truly though, when did I become the keeper, cleaner, and manager of EVERYTHING?

I think (at least today anyway) I want to go back to work full time and then I won't have the time to even care about all of this and everyone will have no choice but to pitch in or it will all, literally, fall apart. Full time work means more money, not being 24 hours a day responsible for the care, education, health and well-being of the two girls, the house will stay neater because we're not in it and I get to talk to other grown up people about SOMETHING other than homeschooling and housework. Sounds kind of appealing to me right now.

There, I do feel better having got that off my chest. Not the first blog entry I wanted to have, but there you go.